Well Hush My Mouth!

It's absolutely gorgeous out today.  It's almost noon and the temperature is still at a balmy 29 degrees!  Very cold for the Seattle area.  We have had beautiful but very cold weather for several days now.

Yesterday, New Year's Day, we had our family Christmas Part II.  We all went to dad's house and undecorated his home.  There were delicious bowls full of hot soup, flaky biscuits, and tons and tons of cookies.  It was a really nice day. 

Except...it seems that every time I'm with my family someone makes a negative comment about my public blog.  I'm supposed to be using that forum to pay forward the grief I've had in my life and teach others how I am coming back to a life of joy and love.  That blog was started in answer to my winning the radio show contest.  I want to help people.  Even if it's only one person.

So how come one negative comment can immediately be the only thing I focus on?  Why does that old "no self worth" gremlin rear it's ugly head?  I don't even like to post on that blog any longer because I feel so unsure of myself.  And I'm filtering everything that I truly want to say in order to try (old pattern here) and make everyone happy.  So if I can't make everyone happy, which I will never do, then I just shut up. 

And because I have shut up I start stuffing my feelings and what I truly want to say by eating.  And by eating I gain weight.  Which affects my self esteem which makes me want to vent which makes me want to shut up and stuff because I have no self worth not only because I'm not writing but because I'm eating so much I'm obese.  Uggghhhhhh!!

So I have tried some new techniques I have learned from the wise woman.  I bless the person who is critical of me.  I thank them for telling me I am unworthy.  And then I chant to myself, "God is in me AS me".  I ask myself the question, if God is in me AS me is He unworthy?  I use the Byron Katie questions that are so appropriate - 1) Is that thought true?; and 2) Who would I be without that thought?  And I meditate over the answers until I understand that my own self doubt is a worthless effort.  That the person who has been unkind to me or critical of my work isn't the problem.  It is how I perceive my work and how I feel about myself that is important.

So I will continue to use this forum of my journey to finding an open heart and living authentically and let the rest be for a while.  It isn't good or bad.  It just is.  Blogs don't have emotion.  They just are.  And that, my friend, isn't a bad thing!